How do I feel while I paint?

Abstract art. Contemporary art.
I'm going to write my personal experience, not a theory.
Some stereotypes show a lady who sets in front of the canvas and with a light touch she slides the brush on it, creating dreamy landscapes, or enjoying the portrait she's making.
Well, I'm not like that seraphic lady.
Painting is not a relaxing activity. The action of painting take my a lot of energy.

I spend a lot of energy before painting, thinking about the subject I want to paint. I think about what I want to say with a new painting. I ask to myself if I really want to say something to who will look my artwork. I also ask to myself if the artwork I'll make is really necessary. Can it be useful? The answer is a "not" often.
Art is not useful, instead a car is useful for our trips. Art is not necessary, instead we cannot live without food.
Art is a futile activity for our daily life and survival
Said that, I could say you that art is fun. It's a playful activity with no practical use.
If this is true why do I feel so bad and tired while I paint?

Yes, I admit I feel bad before painting. angry while I paint, and tired after I'd painted.
I explained why I feel bad before painting.. because it's hard to accept the truth that what I do is useless.
Now I try to describe the reason why I'm angry while I paint.
Always I fight with the materials I use. I paint on wood, it's not simple choosing the right piece of wood for painting. Wood is alive, it moves, it dries out. It has nodes and veins that affect on paint.
I love wood just because it's alive. it's a natural stuff, and it's hard. I need an hard surface for my paintings.
I struggle with colours, seeking the right mix, and consistency, and the right absorption of colour that I use... because each piece of wood is different from the others, and it reacts in different ways.

But, the most important aspect is that I fight against myself. There isn't a rational reason why I should feel angry while I paint, but it's a fact I feel angry. My anger and frustration come out.
Why does it happen? There are many reasons why that happens, some are privates and censored, but others concern the way I consider the creativity.

Matisse's quote I put below the home page of my website shows my mind. "Creativity takes courage".
Creativity is an unceasing challenge to myself. It makes me face my limits, my inner wounds, my desires. While I paint I perceive different and conflicting forces fighting inside me. It's hard, it really takes courage.

Now, you can figure out how I feel after I painted something.
I look at my new artwork, and I'm tired. I want to rest silent, because I'm exausted. I'd made an intense effort, and I need to stay in front of my artwork in silence, and.... maybe I get a state of exstasy, contemplating my work.


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